“To understand love, to know love in this century when love seemed to no longer exist in this world, one must first be humble to realize that he himself, knows nothing about love, and willing to know more about love.”Friend,
I know that this message may make you feel a little bit awkward, especially if you find the truth that I wish to convey to you difficult to grasp and accept.
I hope that you are not offended that I wrote a letter to you as an anonymous person. This letter, though it is mainly written for your private and personal problems, is not for you alone. I believe that the message which I am about to convey is not just for you, but actually to all who reads this, to think and ponder about. I am about to talk about something which people generally seem to know about, which in truth, they know nothing about it. That is why apart from sending this letter to you; I am also posting this letter into my blog, so that everyone else may learn from this too.
I am aware that you are an unbeliever, and it is not in my position to speak or argue with you regarding to your choice of religion. I understand and respect your freedom. Though personally I admit that I believe that I am guided and inspired by Him to convey to you what He wishes to tell you, I would still be cautious not to invoke any religious confrontations between you and me, as I wish to approach you as a friend, not as an evangelist.
I am to remind you that it is your freedom not to read or stop reading this letter at any time - especially if you personally feel that you disagree with the contents of this letter, or that you feel that I am trying to convince you into embracing Christianity. Let me make this clear to you first before you start reading that you will be reading this at your very own free will. This message is not meant to impart advices, or to teach you by giving you a lengthy lecture, but it is to share with you, a very valuable testimonial about my life – for you to ponder and evaluate on your own.
If you have no hesitancy on what I am about to share with you, then I shall begin my story.
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Since the past few years, I’ve been in a constant but unconscious search for love – how to be lovable, how to be loved, and how to love someone, especially romantic love. I am always wondering, why my friends could get a girlfriend or boyfriend when I couldn’t. How did they do it? How can I do it? How can I ever win a girl’s heart? All this questions were puzzling to me, and to think that people can ever get married and live happily as a family, it’s even more unthinkable to my intellect. Often I think, why girls are not attracted to me, and why am I not suit to be their boyfriend.
I know my weaknesses, and I am partially aware of the expectations, of what a girl will expect from me when I become her partner. But still, I am a human, who craves for love, who hungers for affection and care. I too have a desire to be romantically loved by someone who I too can love back the same way she does to me. The bottom line is, I too, want to have a girlfriend (but of course, this desire of mine too often brought me down to despair and depression which I have suffered silently throughout these years).
Eventually, my heart turns cold towards the world. Subconsciously, I see life in this world as bleak and empty, especially when I am not just “romantically unwanted”, but I also discovered that I can’t even really get along with my own guy friends – to a point that some of them didn’t even give me the respect I deserved. I was once treated so pathetically by my own friends to a point that I didn’t even realize that my self – esteem has been severely shattered. I didn’t even realize that I was bullied, insulted and degraded by my own inner circle. I wasn’t even “human” before their eyes.
But as you know, I did get a girlfriend in the end, much to my own despair and sorrow. I was shackled by an “invisible chain” I made up myself in my subconscious mind by her demands and her constrictive thinking that she only wants the perfect “guy” to be her boyfriend. I was indeed way below her unrealistic requirements, but I was too ignorant of that fact and naïve at that time to realize this truth. I suffered throughout my matriculation year because of her (though I didn’t deny that she too suffered because of me), especially with all the depression and the further destruction of my self – esteem because of my own foolishness. I was lost in my own desire for someone to love me that I would throw away everything else to obtain it - which is not just obviously a certain failure, but also a self – destructive thinking.
Of course later on I did heal, thanks to my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ, for their love and care, but all these were still not enough to satisfy me fully. They were still unable to give me the love I was looking for – the romantic “love” which I have seen with my own eyes around me, which I can say is rightfully mine. Even after so many months after I enter USM, I still found myself helplessly hungry for it, and I was still searching for it despite the fact that my search subconsciously only brings in more disappointments one after another. Deep inside I felt myself as unfulfilling, and there is that seeping feeling of dark hatred which I have accumulated throughout my life from my pain and sorrow.
In fact, this lack of mine isn’t just affecting me in my relationships with others, but it is also affecting me (without me knowing) spiritually. I find myself very difficult to give constant devotion to my Father, and I am aware too that noting much has changed within me since I became a Christian as I keep on sinning and doing things which I am aware are a disgrace to His name. But certainly, He is merciful, and He continued to remain with me and helped me grow, even though I am nothing but a failure to Him after have I embraced Him.
But since last week, my eyes were opened to a truth that I have never expected to realize – that I myself, knows no love. The truth that I myself know nothing about love was dreadful, and it takes humility to swallow – but the truth will continue to stand even if I deny it. It is absolute in nature.
All this while, I realized that I have been very selfish. I always wanted people to love me, but that is all that I have ever thought about. I never really loved people sincerely inside my heart. And please take note that, I am not talking about the conventional form of love which you see around you. What is taught as love by the world (or what people usually think as love) is actually not love at all (especially romantic love). I have been misguided all this while, and I hope that by sharing what I have learned from my experience that you will not stray onto the path I once trodden.
Love, as defined by the majority, does not just mean “loving” others, but love, in fact (from what I have discovered), is the basis of everything. Even all the good and moral values, such as respect, tolerance, kindness, and obedience, all are rooted from love itself. I learned that I can only truly respect others out of love and not fear, and the same goes to the other values. True respect doesn’t come with money, power, or fear, but true respect must come on its own because the people who respect that particular person love him. Then not only will it be true, but also everlasting! I can’t be truly kind to someone if love is not present, not can I give full obedience if I do not do it out of love. I won’t have been exercising punctuality either, for if I love that person who has been waiting for me so much, I wouldn’t have left him or her waiting for me any longer. Isn’t my statement true?
And if all the good and moral values are actually based on love, everything that I do, which will be moulded by these values, must also be based on love to be done properly – which also covers my romantic relationship with another person.
Loving someone romantically doesn’t just mean chocolates, dates, hugs and having the desire to love both romantically and passionately. It is about EVERYTHING. Same goes to the other kinds of love – to friends, family, others, and even to God Himself. I realized that if I truly love someone, I wouldn’t disobey him, I wouldn’t be rude to him, I wouldn’t be late for our appointments and so on. Again, it covers everything about the other person.
Often I wondered in the past the truth of 1 John 4:16 that claims that “God is Love”. Yes, it is clearly stated there the three solid words in a single sentence (in that particular verse), and now I realized that it is true after all. As love covers everything, it also means that love itself is also PERFECT and NEVER LACKING. There is not a single speck of selfishness should be found in love, or else love can never be sincere and self – sacrificing. These by itself, are the characteristics of God (But again, all these are from my religious perspective. It is up to you to accept or ignore this statement).
Certainly at first, I felt discouraged upon knowing this truth, for now I have realized that the problem does not just lie onto those who have denied me of love, but also onto my failure of not loving them as well. To truly love someone seemed so demanding, as much as for anyone to love me the same way – especially when I am talking about romance. It is so hard not to lust against your partner and not to treat them selfishly (As from what I can see now, only a thin line divides the boundaries of love and obsessive possessiveness towards the person I have feelings to). All this involve all the good and moral values and virtues which make us human, which I can conclude in the end, that love is about treating another person as a human being without degrading them even a single bit – which covers their needs of respect, space, self – expression and so on.
But friend,
That is all I can share with you for now, because I myself, are also learning on how to truly love others from this point onwards. Of course, it is also another truth that no human being is made perfect (especially in the aspect of loving others), yet I hope that you will not misinterpret this fact and become lax instead in your search for the perfect love. I truly pray that you will find this message helpful and constructive, especially in helping you know what is truly love (especially in defining your own meaning of love), to practice love, and how to recognize love when you see one.
Remember that the world is a place full of deceptions, and what you see may not be what it seems to be. Love born out of selfishness, is not love at all. It is better to be single rather than to love or be loved selfishly, but when you see true love, embrace it. I am still not in the position to really guide you in how to love others and how others should love you, as I can only share what I have really experienced in my life, but I truly hope that by reading this you will reflect and ponder upon yourself a little bit more about how your life have gone so far, and change the perspectives you have been having towards the people around you and the world in general…
And regarding to you doubting that love still exists in this world, I wish to tell you that as much I want to convince you that love still does, it is really up to you to decide whether the answer is a “Yes” or a “No”. The verdict whether you still believe in love is not decided by your eyes, but it is by your heart and faith, especially when all of us are living in this fallen world. It not about you seeing love with your eyes, but it is about you believing in love, and that you feel that love is real, will then love can become real to you. (From a Christian’s perspective, as I have previously mentioned 1 John 4:16 that “God is love”, this is also the way how we believe that God is real, because though we can’t see Him, we can feel that He is alive in us, and that we have faith that He is the living God. That is how God seem so real not just to me, but to other believers as well). And as for our personal growth, in order to become more loving, it is about us wanting and willing to love, not waiting for others to love us first then only we will love them back (which is a very selfish attitude to have).
Before I end, I wish to pray for you that you will be better equipped by reading this in searching for whatever that you wish to seek. I too pray, that God will be with you in every step, and that He will guide you in your growth and journey throughout your life. May His blessings be upon you, and may His will be done, as I finish my final sentence. Take care, friend.
With blessings and prayers,
SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER (9TH FEBRUARY 2009)
