Who am I? There is no need to know the name of one who has chosen to be forsaken, forgotten and disowned by his kind. Just call me, Nameless.
I may still be breathing and my flesh still dwell within this fallen realm… but I am no longer belonged here, nor should I have any obligation to feel so. Cursed to become an ethereal being and banished into another plane of existence parallel to my realm, or so how my old kinsmen would have perceived of me through my exile when they have found out what I have done - but so be it. Perhaps this is how my life is supposed to be from now onwards, as the blood I have rejected continued to flow within my veins. I have already foreseen the dilemma and struggle that is about to come with the choice I am forced to make, but deep inside I know that my decision has never been clearer. There is no way I can ever go back to I once am in the past, and it would be a wiser choice to do it now rather than to wait for the storm to arrive.
A maverick like me is only suited to become a wandering hermit - homeless and desolate, as I am already cut - off from my own kind and heritage. My old life has been completely shattered, together with who I once was. Therefore, there is no significance for me to hold my old name any longer. I am but a new self, with a new breath of raw life. I am a stranger even to myself, and not forgetting those who has once known me before.
My past has never been as bitter as how I taste it now, but it is still something which is still not worth hating for. I blame no one for his or her ignorance, and I condemn no one for following their laws and traditions and to go against those who did not, though I still feel that all that has happened to me are still evitable if they can just open their selves and listen. Savage rage is still flowing wildly in my blood, but it is now slowly being subdued as these feelings has been separated from their sources of power. Love is what I am trying to learn right now, and even is they are to see me as a enemy, to love them would still be one of my life’s obligations. I no longer have the need for violence, nor do I have any more need to drink from the Demonic Fountain of Anger (that has once empowered me in the past) since there is no need for me to bring my hatred along with me anymore. I may be lethargic without my strength, but my heart is now in peace.
Again, I have no right to condemn, as I myself am also as condemned and pathetic as all the rest of them. How intense is the feeling of sarcasm and self - pity within me to look back at the times when I once boasted of my intellect and intelligence, but have now fallen so far from my old pride knowing that all my boastings has added up to my foolishness today. Never before I realize that to exist alone is so tiring and frustrating - not because that the lethargy is something that has to happen but it is because of the burdens each people has added unto each others’ existence, for selfish gains or not.
What life have prepared before me may seem harsh and unforgiving especially through the way I am describing it now, and it would have been that way if I have choose to forsake myself for any reason other that the one that has brought me here today. Though the path which my choice has led me may not be able to bring honour to my kin (I have no choice, as to honour them would be to deny what truth I have discovered of myself), it is one full of grace and mercy. The fog that lies ahead of me is still there unmoved, but at least I am sure that as long as I do not stray, I will eventually fulfil what I have been entrusted with on the day of my birth.
I am now facing desolation if I am to be rejected by my own (which is something I am expecting), but I have received a new family in exchange. By grace I found a new one to belong to, and it is not one that is bound by blood, but it is by spirit and the divine who watches over it. I have become a whole new person as I am welcomed into the fold, and since then I have been growing under the care of my new brothers and sisters. Even though I still need time to complete my metamorphosis from my past, I can already see old wounds slowly healing, and my strength returned - a new kind of strength which I have never seen before. But most importantly, I have found the person I am looking for all this while. I have been searching high and low for this very person… and until this very day I still could not really believe that the friend whom I have been seeking for has been so close to me right from the beginning. Nevertheless, I have found a new shelter, a new guide, and a new source of power to draw my strength from (though I am still bound to the burdens which others have place upon my life)… and with the family I am now a part of, I have found a new home to return to and rest every time I return from my wanderings.
But thinking back on what I have written here, perhaps I have been too judgemental towards my own kind as well - and it would be even better if I am wrong. They may choose to understand the reason behind the path I have taken, they may decide still choose not to relinquish our ties after all despite what have become of me… But for now, I am better off this way - with the freedom to pursue the direction I want over the course of life which has been given to me by those who have brought me into this world. I may be exiled from my land, but I am now free; though I know that my freedom has come with a great price…
Friend,
Where are your next directions? I cannot wait any longer for a new adventure. Lead the way deep into the wilderness, to where I am to fulfil my purpose and to live the glory out of my accomplishment for you. You claim that you hold the truth, so show it to me that you do. As for my identity, you know better that I am no longer who I once am (nor I have the need for it) - because I am who I am now for what you have done for me. At the same time, I also no longer have the desire to continue writing this any longer. The more time I spent writing and pondering about this, the more I felt that all the efforts that I have placed on writing these papers are useless and insignificant to me. My past has no more meaning to me.
But my future does, and faith tells me that it is going to change my life forever…
The story of this nameless wanderer has begun.
******
“I am Nameless, but not Anonymous; because my name is still a name - for I am insignificant before man, but not before the One who has redeemed me…”
Seymour Nightweaver
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