Message 3#

“No one can tell how great is God’s love, when the only things we know are only from one end of this world to another…” – Seymour Nightweaver

“If I am to describe what God’s love is truly is, you will never hear a single sound other than the sound of weeping.” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

I have no idea why am I here in the cafeteria as early as 5.47 in the morning, apart from Your grace, Father. Yup, it’s not a surprise since I’ve been sleeping at 7pm+ yesterday… Perhaps You have been preparing me for this morning, knowing all that I’ve went through this weekend – all the painful and sad recollection of memories… to be written down on paper.

Father, how much I’ve forgotten about the past since I met You, and after knowing Your gracious love, Father. How much I have changed, Father, and how much I’ve healed from Your touch, Father… As true as I look back into my own reflection, in the past, I am but a beast – a savage in constant thirst for blood, trapped in the heart of an innocent boy being tormented in a poisoned and sickening world… Praise You, Father, for saving me from my dreaded nightmare, and putting me into Your nurturing and protective hands.

Honestly Father, I never have thought that today I would ever receive such grace and mercy from anyone… Especially when it comes to You. There is no one but You who is with me during hard and bitter times, and there is no one but You am I thinking of celebrating during each and every one of my happy moments. Father, it’s been a long way back since the time I first heard of Your calling. Long before I even get to know who You really are, You have already been there for me. You never cared whether am I ignorant of You or whether what I knew about You at that time are nothing but slanders… Your salvation is for all, and there’s no condemnation. Praise You, Father, for there’s no one else like You!

As I try to recollect back the events and memories on what I’ve went through all this years… I realized how much I’ve grown in Your nurturing hands. Raised in an environment where I am constantly abused and bullied by the people around me, and later on bearing my five years of high school life in denial of recognition and respect even from my own peers (and constant backstabs from my so – called close friends), my scars are numerous, a number beyond count that only You know how many are there on the surface of my flawed heart. Only my own fears and sense of inferiority from all these tortures which I have went through sustained my humanity, and that through recognizing myself as an insignificant loser and surrendering that I can only live on as a human being. That was how pathetic I was in the past, a sad and hideous creature who feds and scavenges on others’ remains and wastes. A victim of exploitation and cruel humiliation, denied from even the basic need of significance and recognition. Any anger and hatred that I bear, will be forced to be bottled up in my fear and sense of inferiority, and thrown away into a cauldron where a consuming fire of vengeance and grudges is expected to destroy them. People might see this as a form of amusement – the act of bullying and insulting a person who they think is inferior to them, or different, but wait till they are treated the same way and anyone could see how much they resented and retaliated against such actions! And even if I did retaliate in the past, if I ever get mad and raised my fists against them, will I ever win? None of my friends will ever dare to approach me if that happens, and the law itself will decide upon my ruin. But is it ever correct for me to be treated like this in the beginning? Is it ever correct for me to be treated less than a human? The laws that upheld justice in this world, the goodness of the human race, the power of humanity… Any humans will have pride in all this, but when You have been placed into the picture, all these are nothing but smoke before Your glory and greatness – realizing that anything that we have done is actually nothing in value. If these laws, these goodness and humanity… if these human made values and things are truly good, why don’t they protect me from my torments in the past? Why don’t they offer me a shelter from my torturers? Why don’t they provide a sanctuary for me to experience peace, security and comfort? Only You are truly good, O’ Father. Only You can uphold the goodness that is left in this world, Father… For I know who is the one who has saved me from me turmoil, who has healed me from my wounds, who has cared for me with love and kindness so unconditional, and accepted me as His own son… What You have done for me was indeed more that I asked for. I asked for mere justice, and You gave me more than that. With Your presence I receive love, security, peace, strength, comfort, mercy, grace, kindness… and even healing, and a new breath of life.

Father,

You are the only one that can make me cry for You every time when I think of Your goodness – a beast once so horrid, lost and abandoned, filled with hatred and vengeance, now found refuge in Your hands, and pouring itself out on Your bosom, crying and weeping because of Your grace and mercy, of Your promises and covenant of love You have kept ready for me long before I came unto this Earth… I asked for an avenger, and instead, I found myself a Father – a Father so loving that I am willing to give myself to You. A Father so loving that I am willing to rip and tear myself off of my old self, of my old hatred, pain and vengeance. A Father who found so much delight in me as a son, that You have placed me, a once wretched ghoul, thirsty for blood and vengeance, among Your own blessed people! What have I done to deserve all this from You? Nothing! Nothing was the simple reply, and yet, this is all You have done for me… Praise You, Father – that is all I can say, that is all I can do for You, for I have nothing else that I can give or do for You, for the freedom, home and eternal life You have given me… I am nothing before You – a fact that I can never deny, though I am indeed in joy, for all that I wanted and needed, if found within Your giving hands. There is no better heaven than to know, that You will always be with me wherever I go and whenever time of the day I can always feel Your presence – with You heaven is everywhere, and with You every moment is joy. Who else can ever replace You in my life…

Father,

How could I ever thank You enough for all You have done to me, how could I repay the debt that I owed You throughout my life. What could I have done without this Heavenly Father by my side, and how could I ever imagine of living this life of mine on Earth for even a single day without You? How can I never adore You for the rest of my life, how can I never stop praising You for all You have done in my life? What You have done to me may be meagre to Your ability, but what it is there for me to even deserve a smallest bit of them? Father, thank You for all that You have provided me until this very day, praise You, Lord, for Your grace and mercy. Praise You, Lord, for what You have done in my life, and in the lives of my fellow brethrens, as You provide us all with our needed provisions, and our strength for each coming day. Thank You, Lord, for being our Shepherd, the one we can trust and rely on, in times of despair, and I pray to You, Father, that You will always be with us for the days to come, may Your blessings be abundant, may Your love be overflowing. I praise You again, Father, praise You for everything that is from You, and may Your will be done, in the name of Your glory…

Thank You Father for everything that You have given me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.



Seymour Nightweaver (21st October 2008)