Not A Message, But I know I Must Post This!!!

"Being with God is always a joyful torment. When you feel fired up for Him, you can't rest, you can't stop, you just want to keep on GOING even when you are tired!!!" - Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

I know there must be a reason for me to post this right now... Alright, here goes...

Okay, brothers and sisters...

I know that it is 4am right now, and I just had a Coke overconsumption over at McD... But I am just feel so fired up that I have been writing these since three hours ago! I do not know whether all of you will agree on what I've been feeling about myself right now, but here goes... I'm not showing off or anything here, but its just... Arrrgh! I just know I must post it here! I just can't sleep thinking about it! It's a bit messy (and I can't separate them because all of them comes together in a set), but hope you all will enjoy them nevertheless!

PS: It's EXACTLY the same one I posted over at our Facebook's PKA group forum... But I just know that I must post it here too! This is the first time that I am really feeling all fired up for Father, but I am really in unrest here until I am done with my work here as well...

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I JUST DON'T SMILE

I am in peace
enjoying tranquility
The early breath of dawn
or the Holy Father's presence
but people just can't see it
because I don't smile.

I am in joy
heart in warmth
Before fellowship's bonfire,
and being with everyone
but all never felt it
because I don't smile.

I am in gratitude
with overflowing love
My beloved sisters in Christ
my fellow supportive brethren
but no one noticed it
because I don't smile.

Perhaps, I'll change
let His will be done
but don't get me wrong
for depression and sorrow
those chains never bind
my face to this mask.

My lips' just too fat
so my smiles gone unnoticed
but you can still see them
straight from my heart
engraved eternally
in strokes and curves.

Flowing
from passion's creek.

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SOMETIMES

Sometimes,

You see me sitting quietly
at the corner of the crowd
But I'm not isolating myself
I'm just enjoying the fellowship
and the Spirit's presence, quietly.

Sometimes,

You see me drowning in darkness
in past anguish or sorrow
But I'm just losing focus
Just knock some sense in me
and bring me back to my present.

Sometimes,

You see me depressed
helplessly paralyzed
But I'm just being forgetful
needing a reminder
to rely on God, not myself.

And sometimes,

You see me troubled
not knowing what I really wanted
But I'm just confused
caught in my complex self
a metamorphosis, in growing to soar.

I know it's hard

But I need you all
to guide me, to support me
In my search behind this mask
for the very image
of Jesus Christ.

All told to me
through the Holy Spirit...

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NOT ME, BUT YOU

I often stumble
I often mislead myself
because I didn't ask for strength
nor listen to Your voice.

I often confuse myself
I often deceive myself
because I am seeking my own identity
and not the one in You.

I often bind myself
I often drank my own venom
because I forgot my vine
not seeking Your Holy Spirit.

I often mess myself up
I often retrogress
because I failed to understand
it's not about me, but You!!

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INSPIRED (BY THE HOLY SPIRIT)

Sitting idly,
heart in silence,
but without me knowing
it bloomed
like midnight rose
as the Spirit shine
gleaming like moonlight.

Inspired
by a strange flame
never scorching, but warm
like embracing wings
it cover me
with a burning passion
gentle, yet powerful.

I kept silent
as I hear You speak
trying to understand
decoding strange codes
that seemed so familiar
deep inside my core
and put them, on paper.

Thank You
and praise You,
Holy Spirit.

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I'm really sorry if I am really acting like a freak or anything... I just know I must post these poems here, and I just want to let go of this burden so that I can finally retire for the night in peace. I really can't sleep right now - I'm just simply burned up and excited all over! Again, I am really really sorry.

PS: Perhaps it is all because of the unrest I am having all this time whenever I try to find the answer to my own identity... There's no such thing as my own identity, there's only my identity in Christ! My prayer has finally been answered! :D

Seymour Nightweaver (3rd December 2008)

Message 8#

“God has made our world full of abundance, it is just us who made the limits and misused our resources…” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

Today I’ve been thinking… All of us humans have been living in a world full of limitations and lacks. There’re so many people around us who die of starvation or thirst, and many more who lacks many other things such as security, peace, home, clothing and most importantly, love. Taking a look into my life alone, I can see that there so many things which I am lacking especially in the past: love, attention, respect, knowledge and many more apart from mere physical needs…

Father, I have been thinking of everything today, on what this world lacks, what has changed and what has actually caused it in the beginning… Today, what that was supposed to be priceless: life, love, goodness, innocence to name a few, is as worthless as a single piece of paper. Yes, to worth no more than a piece of empty cheque, thanks to the control of economy over our daily lives… We placed everything that we know in our lives a value in this worldly system to begin with, and afterwards we speculate these prices. I am not saying that the world’s economic system is no good after all and we should just stay in the Stone Age right in the beginning, Father, but when whatever that has been created for the good of all has been corrupted and misused, those are the causes to the sufferings we all facing today… Because of greed and selfishness, the monetary system, which originally supposed to help us humans in distributing our resources more effectively such as food, has been the source of our everyday torment, corruption and disintegration of our society. Economic imbalance between nations has cause an uneven distribution of resources among the people, and the materialistic mindset has caused everything on our lives to degrade in value.

Father, how all of us have forsaken You in our lives… We often blamed it on somebody else, or to the world in a more collective manner, but how many have really thought about the whole thing thoroughly, on where is the true fault really lies. Money may be the problem in this world, but it is those who misused it who is the true culprit, and everyone is no exception. Everyone is a part of this world’s simple yet complex financial and economic system. Economy may have made everyone feel worthless or powerless in this matter, but the truth is, everyone contributes, no matter how meagre, and so is how the blame must be shared among all.

Father, You have made everyone’s lives equal. You have made values like love, faith, grace, mercy, goodness and many more priceless. You have made this world perfect and abundant, but look at what all of us have done! The world has now corrupted, and You know that far better than myself. I am crying to You right now, for I really do not want to live in the world I am living in right now. I can’t imagine how much suffering a person would have to undergo in this cruel and heartless world… Not just for me, but for everyone else, even for those who are yet to come… Father, I know I am really not this kind of person I am now, but I just can’t help thinking of the dread which all of us have to live in today…

Father, where are those who has a heart for You have gone? Where are they now, Father? Are there still goodness in this land apart from Yours, Father? Everything is so abundant around us until this very day, but how limited everything seems when we all try to grasp them with our selfish and filthy hands… Please forgive us for our sins, Father. Please guide us back to You, O’ Father to the way You wanted us to live.

So many people have strayed from You. Many have become criminals and prostitutes. Unrest is in the air, and poverty is rampant among the world of abundance You have created. Many have judged and accused You for being unfair, when it is their failure for letting their ignorance conceal them from the real problem – human greed and selfishness. But what can we do to undo this trouble which we invited ourselves?

What can we do without You, O’ Father? Your Kingdom is all that we are waiting for, but who knows when it’ll come but You? Till then, we need Your mercy and grace as we Christians face this world before us, Father.

Father,

I pray to You today, please provide us with the strength and might we need to face this harsh world as we live in it each passing day. Please give us the provisions we needed badly from You, Lord, for our labour will be great and our yoke will be demanding as we struggle to survive in this realm of existence. Please be our beacon of hope, Father, please let Your protective wings be our shelter as we seek spiritual refuge from the world’s atrocities… Please, Father, may Your love continue to be cherished onto those who need it, and may Your hands be on those who deserves to be nurture, for someday, Your Kingdom is coming… May You guide us and not let us stray as we patiently wait for Your coming, and as Your will be done, may the whole Earth praise You, for Your glory and unconditional love which You have blessed us with… Thank You, Father, for all You have done for all of us. In Jesus’ almighty and precious name I pray. Amen.

PS: And all this is written just because I’m not eating enough for my lunch. What inspiration. Thank You, Father. ^^

Seymour Nightweaver (25th November 2008)

Message 7#

“Time is like a mirror. We will never know how much we have changed all these years until the moment when we looked back at it…” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

Never before I have ever imagined the changes that I have gone through during my first six months of USM life… Firstly my ELLS course, then PKA, followed by EPCC and then the USM International Buddies… I learnt so many things throughout the short period of time, and to know that You have always been with me throughout every moment, thank You so much! ^^

Ah, finally… Exam’s OVER!!! Yahoo! Praise You for being with me and letting me know that I am never alone in facing this ordeal. Though I admit that I am rather rash (or perhaps, reckless) with this exam with all the early “godspeed” blastoffs out of the exam halls and stunning my fellow course mates with the supersonic departures, but I suppose You have already expected all these to happen… Besides, You know me far better than anyone else in this world right? :P

Anyway Father, back to what I am planning to say out in this post… It has been a while since I last evaluate myself this much. This past two and a half months has been a very reflecting moment for me, just as You willed it to happen, and with the many feedbacks which I have received from the people around me, I was very surprised with how much I have changed in Your nurturing hands… I know, You have heard this from me countless times already, but how can You expect me to not say it again when almost everyday was like a new revelation in my life?

There may be still a few things that remained unchanged throughout this period of time – I’m still a game and anime freak, and I’m still an occasional social dork. Father, what do You think about empiric values that the society practices nowadays? Is that a must for me to do so? Father, You know best that I do not enjoy faking myself out with these kinds of impressions. Besides, You know that I’m very terrible in these kind of things. You made me to be natural, with a concealing character of course (as paradoxically, that is also a part of my natural self), but still, I do not fake up by being someone I am really not to gain attention or popularity... Of course, I realized that many people doesn’t really understand me in the way I think and the things I do (not even myself, funny but true), but that’s me all right. I am a stranger even to myself at times, and sometimes, I can even be rather surprised with what I can do at certain times…
And though rather unexplainable, but there are certain values about me that I never expected to have after all the bitterness and pain that I have gone through throughout my life. Cheryl is right. I do have a kind heart. Too kind at times perhaps, but its good of course. She may not know me as long as Sharon or Genevie or the rest of my beloved sisters in Christ, but she is right. Only You know how can I still have kindness in my heart after all the things that I’ve went through in my life, Father. Oh well, I guess if You wills it, it’ll happen. You’re almighty with powers without boundaries, what can say about these kinds of things when Your hands are working on it? But of course, praise You Father for sustaining the goodness within me despite all the sorrow and bitterness in my life.

Perhaps, I should start preparing something for the UTAR girls this Sunday. Its not everyday a person get to meet nice pretty girls nowadays. Perhaps its because I have a soft spot for women, especially good looking and kind hearted ones (same goes to Sharon, Genevie, Lydia and the rest of the sisters), but as long as it brings joy to everyone, it doesn’t really matter even if I am going to become a softie. Father, You know my weaknesses, and You know the best ways to mould me into the way You wanted me to be…

Father, what can I say for the joy I am sharing now with my brothers and sisters in PKA? How can I praise You with a praise worthy of Your Grace? Too bad I am not much of a good son. Disobedience, rebellious, sinful… Only countless thanksgivings I can give for Your Grace in Your Forgiveness… Definitely far inferior in value with what You have given me. But You accepted it anyway, You still accept whatever I can give to You… Sometimes true perfection, especially perfect love, can be really queer, not because it is actually queer in nature, but it is because we mortals could not recognize it for we cannot find it anymore in our realm of existence. The world has fallen and filled with evil beyond description. How much does the human race needs Your presence right now… It’s really depressing to see people nowadays being ignorant of the Truth and even worse, twisting the Truth into falsehood. I do not know what to say anymore… But I know You are in charge, and that’s all that I need to know. You are my Shepherd, and I found comfort in Your rod.

Honestly, sometimes I really find You as someone who is really weird and eccentric… True perfection is indeed not like what we mortals really think it is, as our mind and intellect by itself is imperfect in nature, as I learnt this fact personally from You… So though my opinion may seem so, please don’t take it seriously (which is something that I do not need to worry about for I know You won’t). Indeed, there is no one like You, Father. Often I wondered how would You be if You are truly human… But wait, there’s Jesus! Praise You!

As personal as this can be, I do not want to be bothered about it at all. It's my relationship with You anyway. Just You and me, and no one else. You are my personal Lord and Saviour, not public, and so, I wish to make sure that this message, with all the messages to come, to be typed with a personal flair, and nothing but pure honesty. Of course, there’s the concerns from the public, but knowing that You wanted this to happen and that You are in charge, why worry in the first place? Lord Father, I truly wish to have a more intimate relationship with You, and I wish to have my love for You to grow and blossom, despite the fact that I might be the worst son You can ever have throughout existence…

In the past, I wouldn’t have thought of all this, a year before I would have only thought of senseless and purposeless love… But today, there is no one I want to be with more than to be with You – each and every day… For my joy lies with You, my happiness lies with You, everything, everything that makes me, well me, all of them is in Your hands… I may be a jerk, I may be a scoundrel, but I still know love when I see one… And to know perfect and unconditional love… What can I say?

I may be enjoying my favourite animes right now just like every time, but at least today, I am enjoying it with You. Do You enjoy them too as much as I do, Father? ^^

Father,

Thank You, Father, for all the Grace and Kindness which You have showed me abundantly everyday. Thank You, for because of You I get to taste the fullest of life and comfort, and because of You I am who I am today. Thank You again for being with me in every step of my walk with You, and for moulding me to fulfil Your purpose. Forgive me, Father for all the disappointments and grief I have caused in Your heart, and guide me Lord Father so that I will not sin to You again. Thank You for Your Love and everything Father. May the coming days be full of blessings for everyone, and may Your will be done, Father, as I bring Your plans to action… In Jesus’ almighty and precious name I pray. Amen.


Seymour Nightweaver (20th November 2008)

Message 6#

“One thing which I have learnt about being a human is that it is far much better to think of myself as a lowly being rather than to think of myself as someone superior.” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

I do not know why did I gave such a quote for this post, as it is quite irrelevant compared to what I wish to say here… Perhaps it is You who feels that this is a better choice (Oh well, we’ll found out the relevance when I finish typing this post…).

Father, all this while I have realized (Thanks to Pastor Sam for last weeks’ sermon. And of course, thank You, for always knowing what I needed most, and for always making sure that I will always receive the best from Your care…) that there is something wrong about our relationship… Even as I looked over the previous posts in this blog alone, I realized that I only involve You in certain parts of my life, such as my spiritual growth, my walk with You, my new life in Christ etc., everything that is in the Christianity context…. I never really made Jesus my personal Lord and Saviour, for I never really placed Your Son to be in charge of my whole everyday life… Perhaps I still do not know who You really are yet, perhaps I am still ignorant to this wonderful Heavenly Father of mine…

Often I forget, that You do not require me to approach You with a “formal holy” attitude. You do not expect me to come to Your altar as someone who is fully sacred and anointed. I often forget how I approached You in the past when I was still full of filth and dirt, and how ignorant am I of them at that time! And yet, Your doors are still open for me to seek Your presence, and You still welcome me into Your nurturing hands… Often I “disconnect” from You every time knowing that I have stumbled in my walk with You, and how I’ve isolated myself from You knowing that I have done a very disgraceful sin before Your eyes…

I remembered You’ve reminded me before of Hebrews 10:26-27 and 10:38… How I was filled in fear and cowered before Your words at that moment. Of course, now I know that it is just a reminder, and that I now know what You are trying to tell me (perhaps). I know that You are loving and forgiving, but for sure I wouldn’t want to end up as in Hebrews 10:31… I can’t imagine how dreadful it would be it that really happens. Even if my body don’t shiver, my heart trembles with unrest…

Now I have already realized what You want to tell me about our relationship, which also brings back to my third previous conversation between Bau and me… You have been telling me that back then didn’t You? Forgive me, Father for though I did had a little grasp of Your words, but I didn’t took the initiative to reflect properly on it, nor did I have the sensitivity to feel its importance… Looks like I still have a whole lot of things to learn about us! Alright, I know that You want me to take it easy. You do not want me to wear myself out in this relationship of ours. I can hear that from Your whispers deep in my heart’s core. Thanks for Your wonderful care and love on me. Praise You, Father.

How much have I wondered on how You could have worked Your miracles on others as You renew them and release them from their past bondage with sin… Pastor Sam is right. You ARE able to do so, and You can even do it on me. It is me who doubts, it is me who did not let You do Your job for I did not surrender everything to You. I did not really made Your Son as my true personal Lord and Saviour. He may be governing over some aspects of my life, but I can see clearly now that He is still not in control of all of them because of my own reluctance. I am still sinning for I am still unwilling to surrender myself to Jesus this area of my life… You are truly both the God of The Mountains and the God of The Valleys. How last Sunday’s sermon has gave me a new perspective on our relationship…

But Father, to think that You could be such a living God, who is not just patient and loving, but also patient and nurturing to this worthless servant of Yours, I am totally speechless. Up to today even after I have became a Christian, I know that I am still a disgrace to You for I am still sinning before Your eyes, yet You are still here for me. You are still whispering and guiding me from time to time… As low as I could be, You too stooped that low so that You could always be by side. Father, You accepted me even though I am lacking, and You still gave me Your Love and Grace to the fullest even when You know I will stumble before Your eyes again. I know You can’t tolerate imperfection and uncleanness, but You are still telling me to take my time, and You are still with me throughout the journey… Perhaps You have already made me clean by the sacrificial blood of Christ. Perhaps that was the reason then…

Still, that doesn’t mean that I’m still off the hook. I may have been forgiven, but I am still not free from my bondage of sin. I have also realized right now, that the conversation with Bau was not the only time You were trying to convey me Your message… You have been doing it all this while and You have been waiting for me with open hands every time… You know how hesitant I was when I am in church knowing how much I have sinned to You even after becoming a Christian. You know who bad I felt every time I reflect and examine myself before going before You… You know me well, but it is me who do not know You for who You really are… I still have lots to learn about You, Father… I still have lots lore to learn…

But Father, as weak I may be, as unclean I may be, my intentions are sincere. I wish to enjoy a wonderful relationship with You, O’ Father. I wish to be a real Christian… Father, please liberate me from my darkness. Please be here for me always Father, or provide me with the strength so that I will always remember to draw my strength from You (As in truth, You have always been there for me. It is me who shut You off…) so that I will not fall again into darkness. I do not want to go back there again…

Father,

I commit my whole life to You, O’ Lord, and to Your Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, to be my personal Lord and Saviour… Father, I pray to You this morning, not because of something that I have to do, for You have never forced me to do anything but instead You have gave me the freedom to choose, but it is because of something that I want to do for You. I know that everything that is in this world is nothing compare to You, and that there is nothing better in my life than to enjoy Your presence and joy (which will be my strength) in each and every day of my life… Father, I also wish to pray to You for another matter, which is to be more intimate with You in our personal relationship, for I feel that we are still lacking in that field, especially in sharing my daily life with You… I pray that Your presence will be there in whatever I do, from my church and social life to even my most private activities and matters, so that You will be in control of everything which I do. I pray to You this morning, O’ Father, for I love You with all my heart and soul, and knowing that, Father, You are the God of The Mountains and the God of The Valleys who will always be with me no matter how high or low I am – and that Your power, ability and victory will always know no boundary… Thank You Lord, for Your presence in my life, Father. Thanks You for Your Love, Grace, and Mercy. Thank You for everything, and may Your will be done. In Jesus’ most precious and almighty name I pray. Amen.


Seymour Nightweaver (12th November 2008)

Message 5#

“The Book of Habakkuk… Often I wondered why it has to be Habakkuk, until when I looked at the fallen world I live in …” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

It has been three months already since You have took me back to church… Thanks to You, and to Sharon, my dear sister whom You brought me to in making this happen… I am indeed grateful for the new life You have given me, for the opportunity to be able to know that Christianity truly is, and to enjoy Your Grace, Love and Forgiveness…

A lot of things has changed throughout these few months, Father, and I know that You Yourself know better about this compared to me. Though I know that I am still not thoroughly clean, I praise You, Father, for You are still with me all this while, ever faithful, ever loving… And knowing that You have prepared a special purpose for me in this life, You have trained me and nurtured me with Your very own hands so that I could accomplish it as You wanted me to do, and to prepare myself for a life in this world.

Perhaps that’s why You want me to study the Book of Habakkuk in my first few sermons back then. You knew how fallen this world is… You knew that the first thing I needed would be guidance to face this harsh world outside as soon as I leave university… Indeed, there is no need to talk about the world, just by looking at this nation alone, it a denial by not saying it that it’s a total disappointment… Just look at the television programme that is showing right now. It’s so disappointing and depressing to see people nowadays being forced into marriage with a person they do not even know when they themselves are already in love with another person… And worse, these things happen for lowly and worldly reasons – riches, family name, dignity, influence and many other factors which are slowly corrupting and breaking down the society.

Father, I do not know why many people nowadays do not realize this, but the world is not in a mess. Often we hear leaders claiming that the nation is going towards a better future, when all this while the society which lives in here is slowly breaking apart into fractions of individualism and the politics is in a total havoc. What oxymoron! Is there any worse irony than to develop a nation by doing things that would tear it apart? We are all living in a world of paradoxes, of countless oxymoron, ironies and senseless insanity, Father, but thanks to You, for in You we could all still find joy, goodness and reason behind our existence. Living for You are the purpose of our lives, and there are no better purpose than that. And of course, knowing that You are the living God, the One who is good, and the One who knows what’s best for the world. There is no better security than to know that we Christians have You, Father, by our side…

I know, Father, I am aware of Your might, of Your powers and miracles You could bring unto this world. The Bible alone, Your Word, says it all. What else I need to proof Your Glory? But Father, please sustain me. You know how depressed I am with everything which is a part of this world now, how much sadness I have to bear knowing all this, for all this You already knew of their weight and size within my heart. I know, only You knows best regarding to this world. I know You are waiting for the perfect moment to bring the long awaited tide of change, the tsunami which would rock this whole world and make everyone tremble by its earthshaking power, but Father, have compassion for me, for my soul is weak. I can’t withstand all this as much as You do, Lord. I need Your sustainment and strength to live in this defiled land… You are the only hope left, O’ Father. I need You. We all need You! All of us are suffocating in this world, Father. Long have we waited for Your miracles to be done on this nation, Father, and until now, we are still hopefully waiting for You.

Perhaps You have already set Your plans into motion, as I hear the hopeful whispers echoing softly deep inside my heart. But till the time when You readily reveal Your miracles, all of us will be waiting, waiting patiently for Your work to be done with faith and hope. I know, what You might bring for the nation may not be what we are expecting from You, but nevertheless, as we all learn from the Book of Habakkuk, we will accept it, for You are good, and whatever that You will bring for us is good. Please, O’ Father, may Your strength sustains all of us, may Your love pull us forward as we live lives worthy of Your Name…

Father,

I pray to You O’ Father, may Your love be on all of us always. May Your strength be on us as we face our everyday lives, and may Your Spirit be with us in times of hardship, so we may persevere in wait of Your waves of reform. May You be a shelter for the weak, a place of refuge for the desolate, and a beacon of hope for the oppressed. Father, may Your will be done on the nation as it is committed into Your mighty hand. Thank You, Father, and may Your presence be on us always. In Jesus’ almighty and precious name I pray. Amen.

Seymour Nightweaver (12th November 2008)

Message 4#

“The greatest gifts that anyone can ever get for my birthday would be the eternal promise that You, the loving Father, will always be there for me no matter what, and celebrating my birthday with Your presence in the warmth of love and fellowship…’ – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

Firstly, how I wished to thank You with all my heart for the friends that you have placed me among today… Those who sent SMSes to me, wishing me a wonderful “Happy Birthday”, those who held parties for me and brought cakes for me to celebrate together, and also those who despite that they were not informed of this event (or were late), but still wishes me and treated me with warmth and friendship… How hard it is to hold back my tears thinking of all that they’ve done throughout this week… not just for them, but even the lecturers (Miss Viji), my church friends (Aunty Jane) and many many more… Thank You, Father, and knowing that Your presence are with us all as we are celebrating, there can be no better birthday than this. I’m really touched…

Father, as I think back on all that have happened in the past, I also realized how much I have changed in Your hands. I know, I’ve been telling this over and over now, but Father, only You know how much I really felt about it today… How I realized that You have been with me all this while, with all the patience and kindness as You help me with releasing me from me struggles… And how You have endlessly touched me in my heart over and over from time to time with Your gentle hands in healing me and consoling me when I was in pain… How can I say anything else that can describe Your goodness thinking back all the moments when You open Your doors to me to provide me comfort, empathy and an understanding pair of ears to pour my heart out every time I am but in my lowest conditions of despair. What can I say to praise You with words so deserving of Your kindness and grace? And above all this, You set me free. You set me free Father, from my past bondage, my past sorrows and pain as I live my life today for a future You have set for me long before I knew of it. You first gave me a peace of mind as You provide a shelter for me from my every time I seek Your presence, but as I grew stronger, You guided me to break apart from the chains that bind me to my past – my shadows… You gave me the strength and wisdom to face my scars and the pain that I have gone through in the past, and to soar above it all, free and in joy. Oh, how I sang Your praises with all my heart and soul knowing that You are here to set me free, and how sweet the voice and melody are as I sang it out from my once inner shell of captivity, slowly cracking and disintegrating into nothingness. I could still remember that very night of my birthday when it is just two of us, walking along the busy road back to the hostel after a wonderful curry mee and pasar malam outing with Su Yean jie jie, feeling the joy of freedom as I sang my heart out to You…

Father, I can never know how You can work Your miracles on all of us in this world… One minute I was telling Su Yean jie jie how hard it is to be free from my past… and one minute later I found myself singing my praises to You, feeling free from captivity… How You knew and planned to get me prepared to break free from my shadows, and to let it happen on my birthday… Su Yean jie jie is right after all. I just need to “do” it and let go. No extra efforts. I just to trust and have faith in You, and let go. And to know and realize that the Sunday sermon on the following day is about the renewing of the mind and letting go of the past… Father, how I can thank You for Your indescribable work of miracles! How I felt the feeling of abundant love You had for me, knowing that You have prepared all this for me… All for my nineteenth birthday!!! Lord, how I wished I can say how much I love You to the face of the world! How I wished to shout to You in joy, for having such a wonderful Father in my life, for having something so indescribable like a living God!!! Father, You know how much I needed friends and company whom I can count on - that’s why you placed my here, with my fellow brothers and sisters of PKA, and many others with you have placed me with in my life right now, who are always constantly praying, supporting, and being with me both physically and spiritually (which is obviously way far more than what I asked for in the beginning), friends whom I have never expected nor ever imagined to have…

How happy am I right now I weep unto Your bosom like a child longing for his Father… How happy is it to cry like a baby before You like a baby right now, touched after knowing all You have done for me, after knowing to what extent is Your love to me, and after realizing how much You are willing to do for me… To save me, to nurture me, and to care and love me as Your own son… And not to count in the forgiveness and patience You gave as You watched me struggling with my filth and sins with defeat every time… And how You still remain faithful to me even after countless disobedience and rebellion… Despite the fact that I am contaminated with the venoms that flowed in my veins, whether it is the creeping lusty desires or the seeping acidic feeling of hatred and anger, You are still willing to save me and accept me for who I am, and slowly healing me from my mortal scars and wounds… What can I say? What can I describe? What can I explain? I’m speechless before You right now for there’s no fitting word worthy for Your never ceasing glory. Your love is wider than the widest sea, Your kindness is sweeter than the sweetest honey… You are indeed above all other, as no other is better than You in this realm and nothing is near to even comparable to Your greatness. What else can I say about You, for You are beyond everything that I know in this world, and yet, You sent Your Son, Jesus to lay His life for me, to cleanse and redeem me from the curse of sin. I’m free because of You. I found peace because of You. I found joy because of You. But most importantly, I also found life, all because of Your grace, mercy, and unconditional agape love… Praise You, Father. That’s all I can say.

Father,

Thank You for Your love, grace and mercy, as I am here today celebrating a brand new year of my life in the midst of love and fellowship. Thank You, Father, for the friends that You have placed my among, for all the prayers, blessings, and support they have given me in Your name, and for all the joyous time we shared and cherished together which You have provided for us… Forgive me o’ Lord, for anything that I might have done to them which have hurt their feelings, brought displeasure or offended them, and forgive them also Father, for anything bad or painful that they have done to me. I pray to You o’ Father, may You will continue be with us and touch our hearts as we move on with our coming days in our preparation for our examinations. May Your will be done as we prepare ourselves to reap our semester’s worth of harvest in a week’s time, and may the coming days be a blessing for us, as You remain faithful to us in the throne of our hearts… Thank You again for grace, mercy and love, Father. In Jesus’ most precious and almighty name I pray. Amen.



Seymour Nightweaver (27th October 2008)

Message 3#

“No one can tell how great is God’s love, when the only things we know are only from one end of this world to another…” – Seymour Nightweaver

“If I am to describe what God’s love is truly is, you will never hear a single sound other than the sound of weeping.” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

I have no idea why am I here in the cafeteria as early as 5.47 in the morning, apart from Your grace, Father. Yup, it’s not a surprise since I’ve been sleeping at 7pm+ yesterday… Perhaps You have been preparing me for this morning, knowing all that I’ve went through this weekend – all the painful and sad recollection of memories… to be written down on paper.

Father, how much I’ve forgotten about the past since I met You, and after knowing Your gracious love, Father. How much I have changed, Father, and how much I’ve healed from Your touch, Father… As true as I look back into my own reflection, in the past, I am but a beast – a savage in constant thirst for blood, trapped in the heart of an innocent boy being tormented in a poisoned and sickening world… Praise You, Father, for saving me from my dreaded nightmare, and putting me into Your nurturing and protective hands.

Honestly Father, I never have thought that today I would ever receive such grace and mercy from anyone… Especially when it comes to You. There is no one but You who is with me during hard and bitter times, and there is no one but You am I thinking of celebrating during each and every one of my happy moments. Father, it’s been a long way back since the time I first heard of Your calling. Long before I even get to know who You really are, You have already been there for me. You never cared whether am I ignorant of You or whether what I knew about You at that time are nothing but slanders… Your salvation is for all, and there’s no condemnation. Praise You, Father, for there’s no one else like You!

As I try to recollect back the events and memories on what I’ve went through all this years… I realized how much I’ve grown in Your nurturing hands. Raised in an environment where I am constantly abused and bullied by the people around me, and later on bearing my five years of high school life in denial of recognition and respect even from my own peers (and constant backstabs from my so – called close friends), my scars are numerous, a number beyond count that only You know how many are there on the surface of my flawed heart. Only my own fears and sense of inferiority from all these tortures which I have went through sustained my humanity, and that through recognizing myself as an insignificant loser and surrendering that I can only live on as a human being. That was how pathetic I was in the past, a sad and hideous creature who feds and scavenges on others’ remains and wastes. A victim of exploitation and cruel humiliation, denied from even the basic need of significance and recognition. Any anger and hatred that I bear, will be forced to be bottled up in my fear and sense of inferiority, and thrown away into a cauldron where a consuming fire of vengeance and grudges is expected to destroy them. People might see this as a form of amusement – the act of bullying and insulting a person who they think is inferior to them, or different, but wait till they are treated the same way and anyone could see how much they resented and retaliated against such actions! And even if I did retaliate in the past, if I ever get mad and raised my fists against them, will I ever win? None of my friends will ever dare to approach me if that happens, and the law itself will decide upon my ruin. But is it ever correct for me to be treated like this in the beginning? Is it ever correct for me to be treated less than a human? The laws that upheld justice in this world, the goodness of the human race, the power of humanity… Any humans will have pride in all this, but when You have been placed into the picture, all these are nothing but smoke before Your glory and greatness – realizing that anything that we have done is actually nothing in value. If these laws, these goodness and humanity… if these human made values and things are truly good, why don’t they protect me from my torments in the past? Why don’t they offer me a shelter from my torturers? Why don’t they provide a sanctuary for me to experience peace, security and comfort? Only You are truly good, O’ Father. Only You can uphold the goodness that is left in this world, Father… For I know who is the one who has saved me from me turmoil, who has healed me from my wounds, who has cared for me with love and kindness so unconditional, and accepted me as His own son… What You have done for me was indeed more that I asked for. I asked for mere justice, and You gave me more than that. With Your presence I receive love, security, peace, strength, comfort, mercy, grace, kindness… and even healing, and a new breath of life.

Father,

You are the only one that can make me cry for You every time when I think of Your goodness – a beast once so horrid, lost and abandoned, filled with hatred and vengeance, now found refuge in Your hands, and pouring itself out on Your bosom, crying and weeping because of Your grace and mercy, of Your promises and covenant of love You have kept ready for me long before I came unto this Earth… I asked for an avenger, and instead, I found myself a Father – a Father so loving that I am willing to give myself to You. A Father so loving that I am willing to rip and tear myself off of my old self, of my old hatred, pain and vengeance. A Father who found so much delight in me as a son, that You have placed me, a once wretched ghoul, thirsty for blood and vengeance, among Your own blessed people! What have I done to deserve all this from You? Nothing! Nothing was the simple reply, and yet, this is all You have done for me… Praise You, Father – that is all I can say, that is all I can do for You, for I have nothing else that I can give or do for You, for the freedom, home and eternal life You have given me… I am nothing before You – a fact that I can never deny, though I am indeed in joy, for all that I wanted and needed, if found within Your giving hands. There is no better heaven than to know, that You will always be with me wherever I go and whenever time of the day I can always feel Your presence – with You heaven is everywhere, and with You every moment is joy. Who else can ever replace You in my life…

Father,

How could I ever thank You enough for all You have done to me, how could I repay the debt that I owed You throughout my life. What could I have done without this Heavenly Father by my side, and how could I ever imagine of living this life of mine on Earth for even a single day without You? How can I never adore You for the rest of my life, how can I never stop praising You for all You have done in my life? What You have done to me may be meagre to Your ability, but what it is there for me to even deserve a smallest bit of them? Father, thank You for all that You have provided me until this very day, praise You, Lord, for Your grace and mercy. Praise You, Lord, for what You have done in my life, and in the lives of my fellow brethrens, as You provide us all with our needed provisions, and our strength for each coming day. Thank You, Lord, for being our Shepherd, the one we can trust and rely on, in times of despair, and I pray to You, Father, that You will always be with us for the days to come, may Your blessings be abundant, may Your love be overflowing. I praise You again, Father, praise You for everything that is from You, and may Your will be done, in the name of Your glory…

Thank You Father for everything that You have given me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.



Seymour Nightweaver (21st October 2008)

Message 2#

Message 2#

“How I envied the blind. They may be blind to the beauty of the world, but they have showed to me how blind I am to the beauty of God.” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

I truly have not noticed how inferior and ignorant I am before I stepped into the St. Nicholas Welfare Home this morning… It was the home for the disable and the abandoned, and despite at first, I was feeling pity for them for their disabilities and lacks in their lives compared to the rest of us, it was not long before I realized that I might have been wrong from right the beginning.

I realized it now, Father that, though it was indeed through You that they are living their lives today with physical disabilities, all of these have been done for Your purpose and glory … It is true that people often see such physical disabilities as not much different as a curse, but on this very day I might have to reconsider my perspective on them. Their eyes may not be able to see every colour or beauty that is in this world, but ironically we are actually far blinder than them although we are blessed with perfect eyesight. I realized that there are so many things that we are so blinded to, while they are not. They appreciate and give gratitude to even the tiniest and smallest acts of love and care that they received, which we usually overlook in our lives. They understood the true meaning of perseverance, and they kept on living their lives regardless of their hardships and bitterness, when most of us would have groaned, sighed, gave up, or worse, stupidly took the “easy way out” when things seemed to be out of control. They were humble, so humble to a point we realized how blind we are in terms of our humility, but most importantly, they have shown us (or at least me) how blind we are to the fact that how blind we actually are to You.

Often, we see and judge (or perceive) Your actions as good or bad to us, or whether it is a curse or a blessing to us from a worldly point of view , or the unbelievers’ point of view, and not from the point of view which we Christians are supposed to look from. Indeed, only unbelievers can have such perspectives for their Gods because as what I have realized from all the studies and reflections upon Your words, it all comes back to the main difference that make us Christians stand out from the rest – Christianity is not just a religion, but also it is also an intimate relationship we share with You. Worship has never been something that all of us are compelled to do, because we do not worship or sing praises for You to obtain blessings, favour, or any forms of benefits from You, but all these was done, because just for the pure reason to worship and praise You for what You have given and blessed us with, and for the presence of a living God (You) in our lives. Your grace, mercy, unconditional love and Your salvation, isn’t that something that all of us have received already, something that far exceeds our needs in this material world, the blessings of all blessings and the greatest love of all there is of its kind? I realized that we as Your children often forgot that You are our best provider who always knows what’s best for each of us, mainly also because You know each of us very well as You are our creator, and because of this, You will always provide the best for all of us in our lives, and that You are the only one in our lives that matters for You are the steer, the guide and the master of our lives. We often forget that whatever strengths and weaknesses we have, whatever privileges or disabilities we have or whatever gains or lacks that we have, all of them, each and every one of them, is given (or happens) to us for Your best purposes, glory and plans that You have prepared specifically for each and everyone of us. It is us who are unfaithful, that we forgot about all this, which became the reason that we have seen You with such a worldly perception. We never worshipped or praised You just to get salvation or anything else from You in the age of the New Testament anymore. There’s no such rubbish as booty – licking in Christianity, especially when it concerns You. The only work that we need to do is not to do good works for Your salvation, but it is to work out the salvation that You have given us. Therefore, since we already know all these knowledge through Your work, then why should we looked at You in such a worldly and unfaithful manner? How can we compare You with the Gods of the unbelievers? Please forgive us for all of our sins that we have to done to You, o’ gracious and merciful Father!

But praise You, Father, for because of all Your goodness, Your grace upon us who are in fact, unworthy for it, that we can live in a celebration in every single day of our lives, knowing that our loving Father will always be with us at all times. We celebrate, for Your presence brings security, warmth, love, care, fullness, and many more that can be thought of. Praise You, Father, for You are above all the other Gods and idols of the unbelievers, that none of their followers can ever share such an intimate relationship that all of us have shared with You, our living God, in our renewed life in Your Son. Father, praise You for You have saved us from our sinful lives and gave us a renewed life within You. Praise You, Father, for filling the emptiness that is in our hearts, and for satisfying our hunger for You, Father. Thank You Father, for Your unconditional love, grace and mercy that has been with all of us all these while, for being our pillar, our beacon, our provider and our shepherd who would lay his life for us in times of need…

Father, how I wished I could repay my gratitude to You, but I know, there is nothing that I can give will be equal in value to the grace and mercy You have given me. I could still remember vividly how You have came into my life years before I get to know You and Your Son, and how You have shown me Your unconditional love even when I was still a much filthier trash than I am now today. I know that I am still not much of a trash as like in the past – I am still full of crap, I still swears, I am still the super blur person I was in the past (perhaps it has gotten worse…), my temper is still hot enough to burn down a building (that is, if I got a lighter in my hands)… But at least with You by my side, with Your presence in my life, I will always know that there’s someone who cares for me in my life, someone who loves me, and someone who can make me feel secure, peace, and comfort no one else can ever give. Praise You, Father for despite my filth and weaknesses as I stood before You, You still accepted me as Your children, as a part of Your family, and as a part of Your kingdom. Father, thank You for still seeing me as of something that is still in value even after all the unforgivable sins that I have done to You, and for redeeming me who is worthy of eternal condemnation. Thank You, Father, and praise You, Father for providing me with a purpose for my life, and for giving me the privilege to serve You in Your plans, and to be a light bearer of Your love in this world of darkness, no matter how dim or feeble I was in carrying Your cause.

As much as I am tormented by the people of my past, as much as I am cherished and nurtured today in Your hands, Father. As much as I am casted aside and despised by my own kind in my earlier days, as much I have now received Your acceptance and love today by Your embrace. Despite that I am still just a piece of rubbish lying in one corner of this universe, You have still came to me, and placed some worth and value within me. Now I began to understand that those things that have happened in my past have been done for Your purpose, and nothing else. As You opened my eyes to You, I now see that I was weak in the past so that I will appreciate strength, I am despised so that I will appreciate love, and that I was placed among the lost so that I will appreciate guidance, all of them which I have received from You today, my unfailing companion, my shepherd, my Father~!

Father,

Thank You, o’ Father, for opening my eyes to Your glory and Your beauty today so that I can learn to see the truth behind Your ways. Father, thank You for all the provisions You have given me so far, and I pray to You, Father, that You will always keep on providing them, not just for me Father, but also to those who has a share with me in bringing up Your cause in this world. I pray to You Father, that You will always remain with me in my heart o’ Father. Forgive me of my sins, Father. And may Your will be done today in this post o’ Father. Thank You for all the things that Your have given and done in my life. I praise You Lord, and I exalt You, for everything that You have done for us, and for who You really are in our lives. Father, may You provide me strength for the days to come. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

John 9: 41 - If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.


Seymour Nightweaver (12th October 2008)

Message 1#

Message 1#
“From the heaps of rubbish I was once found. Now I stand among you all, mended and polished, by Your hands of Hope…” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

I do not know why I am giving myself a new life in this long – abandoned world of blogging, but I am very sure that for whatever reasons this was done, it would be all for You and Your purpose, and for this, I pray that Your will shall be done.

It has been a long while since I have lost my passion in blogging… Feels kind of awkward to be honest, but I know, I believe and I’m sure, that this passion of mine are rekindled for a purpose. And of course, a lot of things have changed ever since I stopped posting my so – called records on my daily lives in the net more than a year ago, and now with Father in the picture, things are getting even more interesting… I am now in USM (Penang), studying for my Degree in ELLS (English Language and Literature Studies) and taking Philosophy and Civilization Studies as my minor. Praise You, Father for the path You have given me to take has been what I have been hoping for, and thank You, Father, for giving me the opportunity and privilege which I am enjoying now, which is to be able to find rest in You in the midst of hardships and difficulties, knowing that You are always by my side in every step I make and that You will always remain faithful to me even when I have failed Your expectations countless times.

From the void realm of ignorance You have found and saved me, from my tainted past You have moulded me, and despite my corrupted shadows, You have raised me, Father, into who I am today… Though I am still not strong enough to face the powerful currents of the world I know You want me to swim against, but I am definitely stronger, tougher, and better then my past, and I have never stopped growing even until this very moment…

And Father, now I already know that You have also placed me among with a group of people that I have never seen before so blessed by You in my entire life, despite the fact that I have always been scorned and cast aside like rubbish by my own kind in the past. I have been once so hurt by the people around me so much that I have lost count of the number of scars that I have in my heart, but since the past three months I have been enjoying wonderful fellowships and nurtured by the wonderful people around me under Your shade and care, and I know that these brothers and sisters of mine truly cared for me, and they have always been praying for me before You, o’ Father, as much (perhaps, far more than me) as I did before You for them. Although I am still not really sure why (or for what logical reason, though I know that what may be logical to Your divine wisdom may be in fact, beyond my meagre so – called human intellect…) such a lowly being like me have been chosen to be sent here by You to be their friend, but I know that You have sent me here to be with them for a reason, apart then to grow with them spiritually for the next three years of my life. I know I am still guessing (and honestly, lately I discovered that I find the guessing game rather amusing, especially when it involves the planning of an enigmatic mastermind genius like You, Father…), but occasionally I can sense that some of them are actually wrestling and struggling with problems of their own, and I am even more intrigued by what can a trash like me could do to help them… Perhaps Sharon has provided me with the answer for this question of mine minutes ago, but Heavenly Father, You know that just by being with them, supporting them and by telling and ensuring them that whatever happens, I will always be by their sides is not enough. Certainly as a person who is aware of his own shortcomings and mediocrities, I know there is nothing much that I can do for them (in fact, I am also aware that there are still a lot of my friends here whom I don’t know are having problems of their own– I can sensed that, but they have hid their problems well from me…), but I know You can, Father… In fact, only You are the one that can lighten their burdens, and calm me from this unrest. The problems are theirs to carry, but outsider or not, trash or not, I am still their friend, and their unrest and restlessness are mine to share as well.

So to my Heavenly Lord and Father, I pray on behalf of my fellow brothers and sisters (especially for Sharon and Genevie, whom I know are facing difficulties of their own, and not forgetting Lydia as well) that all of them will be provided by Your hands the provisions they needed in facing their daily ordeals, Father, and they can always find rest in You as they seek You when they are tired and weary. Refill their cups of vigour with renewed spirit every time as they pray to You, O’ Father, and may their hardships and burdens lighten by their faith in You…

To my readers, I am aware that I should have been more discreet about this kind of things, but again, anything here is not for the sake of publicity or attention. I have no intention or desire for any kind of this rubbish, but perhaps by typing this out I can make you all (readers) reflect upon my message on what’s really going in your own life (apart from knowing that a piece of trash like me already have too much rubbish inside to add in some more…). Certainly Father has sent you all to be friends with the people around you for a reason, even for me whom until today I still think of myself as a lousy piece of rubbish (or at least a piece of God – recycled rubbish), and from all that I have typed out here I can already see the message which my Father has intended to impart to everyone. As to my beloved brothers and sisters who have come across this message, I just want to take this opportunity to tell you that trash or not, I am with you in all circumstances, and that I will always be praying for you all. Thank you for your care and friendship for the past three months, and that I am touched by your kindness and graciousness. Truly, I have never had before so many wonderful friends at one time in my life before entering USM, And may our fellowship continue to grow and flourish for the time to come.

Father,

I think that’s all I have to say for this message to You (and also for the readers). I have done with my work and I leave to rest now to You. It is not really for myself that I start blogging again anyway… So I shall end this post with a simple prayer for whatever plans You may have in mind for this blog, I pray that may Your will be done. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.



Seymour Nightweaver (6th October 2008)