Message 7#

“Time is like a mirror. We will never know how much we have changed all these years until the moment when we looked back at it…” – Seymour Nightweaver

Father,

Never before I have ever imagined the changes that I have gone through during my first six months of USM life… Firstly my ELLS course, then PKA, followed by EPCC and then the USM International Buddies… I learnt so many things throughout the short period of time, and to know that You have always been with me throughout every moment, thank You so much! ^^

Ah, finally… Exam’s OVER!!! Yahoo! Praise You for being with me and letting me know that I am never alone in facing this ordeal. Though I admit that I am rather rash (or perhaps, reckless) with this exam with all the early “godspeed” blastoffs out of the exam halls and stunning my fellow course mates with the supersonic departures, but I suppose You have already expected all these to happen… Besides, You know me far better than anyone else in this world right? :P

Anyway Father, back to what I am planning to say out in this post… It has been a while since I last evaluate myself this much. This past two and a half months has been a very reflecting moment for me, just as You willed it to happen, and with the many feedbacks which I have received from the people around me, I was very surprised with how much I have changed in Your nurturing hands… I know, You have heard this from me countless times already, but how can You expect me to not say it again when almost everyday was like a new revelation in my life?

There may be still a few things that remained unchanged throughout this period of time – I’m still a game and anime freak, and I’m still an occasional social dork. Father, what do You think about empiric values that the society practices nowadays? Is that a must for me to do so? Father, You know best that I do not enjoy faking myself out with these kinds of impressions. Besides, You know that I’m very terrible in these kind of things. You made me to be natural, with a concealing character of course (as paradoxically, that is also a part of my natural self), but still, I do not fake up by being someone I am really not to gain attention or popularity... Of course, I realized that many people doesn’t really understand me in the way I think and the things I do (not even myself, funny but true), but that’s me all right. I am a stranger even to myself at times, and sometimes, I can even be rather surprised with what I can do at certain times…
And though rather unexplainable, but there are certain values about me that I never expected to have after all the bitterness and pain that I have gone through throughout my life. Cheryl is right. I do have a kind heart. Too kind at times perhaps, but its good of course. She may not know me as long as Sharon or Genevie or the rest of my beloved sisters in Christ, but she is right. Only You know how can I still have kindness in my heart after all the things that I’ve went through in my life, Father. Oh well, I guess if You wills it, it’ll happen. You’re almighty with powers without boundaries, what can say about these kinds of things when Your hands are working on it? But of course, praise You Father for sustaining the goodness within me despite all the sorrow and bitterness in my life.

Perhaps, I should start preparing something for the UTAR girls this Sunday. Its not everyday a person get to meet nice pretty girls nowadays. Perhaps its because I have a soft spot for women, especially good looking and kind hearted ones (same goes to Sharon, Genevie, Lydia and the rest of the sisters), but as long as it brings joy to everyone, it doesn’t really matter even if I am going to become a softie. Father, You know my weaknesses, and You know the best ways to mould me into the way You wanted me to be…

Father, what can I say for the joy I am sharing now with my brothers and sisters in PKA? How can I praise You with a praise worthy of Your Grace? Too bad I am not much of a good son. Disobedience, rebellious, sinful… Only countless thanksgivings I can give for Your Grace in Your Forgiveness… Definitely far inferior in value with what You have given me. But You accepted it anyway, You still accept whatever I can give to You… Sometimes true perfection, especially perfect love, can be really queer, not because it is actually queer in nature, but it is because we mortals could not recognize it for we cannot find it anymore in our realm of existence. The world has fallen and filled with evil beyond description. How much does the human race needs Your presence right now… It’s really depressing to see people nowadays being ignorant of the Truth and even worse, twisting the Truth into falsehood. I do not know what to say anymore… But I know You are in charge, and that’s all that I need to know. You are my Shepherd, and I found comfort in Your rod.

Honestly, sometimes I really find You as someone who is really weird and eccentric… True perfection is indeed not like what we mortals really think it is, as our mind and intellect by itself is imperfect in nature, as I learnt this fact personally from You… So though my opinion may seem so, please don’t take it seriously (which is something that I do not need to worry about for I know You won’t). Indeed, there is no one like You, Father. Often I wondered how would You be if You are truly human… But wait, there’s Jesus! Praise You!

As personal as this can be, I do not want to be bothered about it at all. It's my relationship with You anyway. Just You and me, and no one else. You are my personal Lord and Saviour, not public, and so, I wish to make sure that this message, with all the messages to come, to be typed with a personal flair, and nothing but pure honesty. Of course, there’s the concerns from the public, but knowing that You wanted this to happen and that You are in charge, why worry in the first place? Lord Father, I truly wish to have a more intimate relationship with You, and I wish to have my love for You to grow and blossom, despite the fact that I might be the worst son You can ever have throughout existence…

In the past, I wouldn’t have thought of all this, a year before I would have only thought of senseless and purposeless love… But today, there is no one I want to be with more than to be with You – each and every day… For my joy lies with You, my happiness lies with You, everything, everything that makes me, well me, all of them is in Your hands… I may be a jerk, I may be a scoundrel, but I still know love when I see one… And to know perfect and unconditional love… What can I say?

I may be enjoying my favourite animes right now just like every time, but at least today, I am enjoying it with You. Do You enjoy them too as much as I do, Father? ^^

Father,

Thank You, Father, for all the Grace and Kindness which You have showed me abundantly everyday. Thank You, for because of You I get to taste the fullest of life and comfort, and because of You I am who I am today. Thank You again for being with me in every step of my walk with You, and for moulding me to fulfil Your purpose. Forgive me, Father for all the disappointments and grief I have caused in Your heart, and guide me Lord Father so that I will not sin to You again. Thank You for Your Love and everything Father. May the coming days be full of blessings for everyone, and may Your will be done, Father, as I bring Your plans to action… In Jesus’ almighty and precious name I pray. Amen.


Seymour Nightweaver (20th November 2008)